Haunted by Expectations

In November I turned  60

I have many questions: who am I? why am I here?

for decades upon decades there have been expectations

unnamed pressures

I must succeed… I must be more… I must be, something.
 
Now I think I can let them go, but when I do, what is there then?
what do I do then? who am I then? 
 
Will I ever be enough? What is enough?
 
 
My children are grown. have lives of their own. I no longer need to generate income.
what do I do now that I’m not a caretaker?
 
Once upon a time I thought I was supposed to be famous: a hybrid cross between Meryl Streep and Jesus Christ.
no wonder I opted out
to big too much
 
Those expectations remain,
to be an awakened being
to be larger than life
 
 
 
I can’t handle the pressure
 
I feel crushed in the layers and blankets of cement expectations
 
No wonder I turned to food and drink… momentary relief… over and over
 
Haunted by expectations
hiding my ineptitude
self-hatred
 
no wonder I opted out
I sought relief anywhere I could find it.
 
Now relief must come in another way…. my body rebels.
 
Do I hide?
It works, but for the part of me that cries for expression.
 
 
How do I release the expectations? How do I allow the bits of bright success to be enough? Touching one life when the blanket is weighing a million? I suffocate to think about it.
 
I frantically seek surrender.
I am forced to ask for help.
Divine guidance.
 
but who am I to deserve the answers?
 
 

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