I’m feeling pensive today. I was almost going to say depressed, but I’m finally realizing (at 56) that sometimes when I feel down, it really means it’s time to let go. I need to keep reminding myself that the only constant is change.
When I’m in this kind of mood, I look at myself in the mirror and find fault with everything… I’m too fat, my hair cut sucks, I’ve got a stupid double chin, and where did that two-inch chin hair come from… ok maybe it’s only one inch, but really?
And I’m totally unproductive… nah, I don’t need to do my exercises today, I can do them tomorrow, or tomorrow’s tomorrow… I don’t feel like marketing today, another time… in fact I don’t feel like doing artwork either! Oh and fold laundry? Why? I’m not using the desk (temporary laundry storage)…. and I don’t want to use the desk. I have plenty of fuel for my already hyper aware self critic (I’m still trying to come up with a b**chy name for her…) To top it all off, I eat crappy food so I have low blood sugar to really make me feel listless and lifeless.
You’ve been there right? Totally down on yourself because life isn’t what you hoped it would be? Or things aren’t going right? Or the dog woke you up in the night because there was an opossum in the kitchen and you didn’t get any sleep? (Ok, maybe not that one.) But something made you cranky or distressed or anxious or depressed or off-balance. As a bi-polar, I’ve learned to live with it and most importantly, to know that “this too shall pass.” As in change.
There is an interesting dilemma that comes with change for me. On the one hand, I really want to get out of my funk when I’m deep inside it… so the “this too shall pass” is a beacon of hope. BUT, what if my funk is because I’m not allowing a change to occur in the first place? I’m not owning the new me that is constantly being generated from my daily experiences.
Ok, I’ve already got two overused phrases in this post, the only constant is change, and this too shall pass… why not go for three? “What you resist persists.” If I’m resisting change, it doesn’t go away… in fact it solidifies the more I resist it. Instead of dancing smoothly into my new self, I get shoved against a wall, repeatedly. Eventually I may find the door, but by then my head really hurts. As I’m reading what I just wrote, I realize that dancing sounds way more fun.
How do I dance into my always changing self? I have to trust that change is natural and the way of all things. And if it’s natural then it’s against nature to resist it. So why shouldn’t I allow it? Even… goddess forbid… enjoy it? I remember a quote I had taped to my computer at work for a few years.
Every day is a journey, and the journey itself is home. ~ Matsuo Basho
Maybe if I think of change as feeling like home it will be easier… now to tune in and listen to my inner music so I know which dance to dance.
You may be wondering how this blog topic is a “happy moment” for me… as in “FireBonnet the happy moment finder.” It might seem a little down. But in a way that’s the point. Life is full of ups and downs and it’s how you handle the downs that define you. Well, I choose to handle my downs with reflection and redirection. I went through both as I wrote the blog. I reflected on my mood and then redirected my thoughts which resulted in new feelings. I came out at the end feeling better because I made the choice to consider change a friendly thing, and imagined myself dancing into my new self each day. Am I going to eat healthy and think my hair cut is perfect and fold my laundry tomorrow? I don’t know, but I’ll be more gentle with myself and see what happens. Now, to pluck that dang chin hair!